Dear faithful Artie’cle readers,

By now you should be rather familiar with the ins and outs of my office life as well as with the inner-workings of my mind when I read certain things in the blotter. Since a large portion of my job requires me to use the telephone, I would like to share with you…Calling Features.

My dear friend Casey noted it well. On his website, he explained how hurricanes make people do certain things. See: The Hurricane Made Me Do It. This may actually be true. I honestly think that the hurricanes are causing people to make unusual phone calls. While the majority of the calls I receive are legitimate and very much warranted, a few are not. Let me share three stories with you.

The first story is actually rather sad. It isn’t a case of somebody making an unusual call (see the other two calls) but rather a case that is completely out of my realm authority. On the Friday before the FSU vs. UAB game, a lady called requesting that I cancel the football game. She explained that she had evacuated from Pensacola due to the hurricane and that she is staying in a hotel room in Tallahassee. The lady explained that she is being forced to check out of her room because the hotels are booked with reservations from people attending the game. Sadly the lady had no other place to go and no way back to Pensacola since a major bridge was damaged. The phone call was passed along to somebody else since I do not have the authority to cancel or postpone football games. But, while it may not be helpful in terms of a place to stay overnight, FSU did make a nice gesture in offering free tickets to people displaced by the hurricane. See the article. I pray that the lady found a place to stay and perhaps even enjoyed a couple hours of good football. I wish a speedy recovery to all impacted by the hurricanes this year. I also wish FSU a great football season. Go Noles. 

Unlike the first story, you can make fun of the caller in this story. After Hurricane Ivan hit Florida, we received a call from a psychic in New York. She said that she has been using her powers to “lessen the storms.” She informed us that she could not keep doing this because she has bills to pay. She did say that if we would pay her, she would hire some assistants and could make it where we never have to worry about hurricanes again. Apparently, I do not have as much authority as people think I do. I cannot cancel football games and I cannot hire psychics from New York to assist the State of Florida. 

I have to admit, though, that I have a long-standing distrust of psychics. I always wondered why the Psychic Friends Network didn’t see their bankruptcy coming well in advance. I also wonder why LaToya Jackson didn’t see the trouble her family was going to cause well in advance? The psychic in New York can stop hurricanes, but LaToya Jackson can’t stop Janet’s wardrobe malfunction?  Also what about Miss Cleo? Did she not predict her troubles? Did she not predict that people would find out that she isn’t Jamaican and was actually born in California? That her business would be closed, her mansion would be sold, and her fortune collapse? Did the psychic from New York not have the foresight to see that I couldn’t help her hire psychic minions?

The last story I want to share actually occurred before Hurricane Frances made landfall. A man from central Florida called and wanted to know if and for how long his power would go out. Not only can I not cancel football games or hire psychics, I cannot predict the future either. You are probably wondering what I am able to do. We’ll save that for a future artie’cle. I would like to have been able to tell the guy whether his power would go out and for how long it would be out, but I didn’t want to take away the element of surprise. If the psychic from New York has taken the liberty of predicting this call, she could have called in advance to tell me the answer to this mans question. While she was at it, she could have informed us ahead of time that she was lessening the storms for us, and that she wouldn’t be doing a very good job of it.

All in all, it is very sobering to come to terms with your weaknesses. Through this experience I have found that I cannot predict the future, I don’t have the funds to hire a band of psychics, nor do I have control over FSU football. If you listen, you can hear Chris Rix breathing a sigh of relief at my revelation. You can also hear the Miami cheering.
Oh wait, I am having a prediction. I predict that this year, Miami will vote their Most Valuable Player to be… Chris Rix.

Placing you on hold,

Artie