Ok so last week my fan mail increased exponentially; well it went from zero to 2 so hey I’m moving up. Speaking of moving up “Wheezi” died; she was one of TV’s greatest icons on one of the best shows made. Anyway yesterday I helped my boy move out of his apartment into, co-contributor, RT’s place. It was pretty uneventful, however I’d like to say a big hello to all the CCFer’s (wow that looks bad when typed) that I met last night. Also I’d like to make a big shout-out to John for sending me my first fan mail. Keep them coming. Now onto the mail.

I was wondering if you had any intentions of backing up your claim that you would wrestle an alligator.  I'm sure your readers would love to hear of this adventure.  You are also in luck, because it just so happens that you have until July 31 to apply for a chance to be one of the 300 hunters. Also, an excellent hunting ground is very close to you in Lake Seminole.  So basically you have the perfect opportunity and the real question is, how  full of crap are you really?  So captin', put up or shut up.

Dear Internet-nerd, I mean Heather,

I guess I have to applaud you for at least researching the alligator season in the great state of Georgia. How many hours did you Google search that while you sat alone in your mom’s basement? Wait I forgot you probably had a Star Trek marathon going while you typed. Still hoping Kirk will beam in from the TV and make-out with you? I kid…

You questioning me? I’ve been ‘rassling gators for almost 9 years; I don’t need a pansy rifle to take one down. I’ll dive in after them, and when I’m done I’ll go eat a pound of bacon and have breakfast. I’m one of the premier alligator wrestlers in the southeast. In a couple of weeks I’ll have my pictures from south Florida scanned for my loyal audience.

But my expertise doesn’t end at alligators, I also wrestler a variety of other animals. So here are a few pointers for beginners. So you guys won’t get hurt.

1) Start small. When you are learning go for smaller animals like groundhogs or monkeys.

2) Work your way up. Just because you can whomp a tree monkey doesn’t mean you’re ready for a Silverback. Try a chimp or an orangutan.

3)  Always know your surroundings. It’s never fun to be fighting a wolf or 2 then get ambushed by the pack. That kind of sucks.

4)  If you feel uncomfortable bring a weapon. Sure it means you’re a pansy, but hey sometimes you just need to feel safe. I remember the first time I fought a polar bear I carried a Swiss Army knife with me. I didn’t need it, but it was nice to know I had a little something extra.

5) The last rule. Always bring a buddy. For 2 reasons: a) in case something goes wrong and you aren’t man enough and b) you need someone there to back up your stories. I have John; he can collaborate most of my adventures.

To be on the safe side I have to say, “Kids don’t try this at home. Please leave all animal wrestling to the professionals.” Well that’s the end of today’s ramblings, remember Go Big or Go Home and Don’t get arrested.

Later ya’ll,

Captain Matt

Email the Captin'

P.S. Heather please don’t kill me; you know "I gotz mad love for ya” darling.