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Well kids after a long
hard week I’ve finally decided to update the ‘ole Ramblings. As of
late nothing cool has happened to the Captain and well my loyal
readers have struggled through marginal, at best, postings. Well
this week is no exception. I never thought I’d say this, but my
life has become uninteresting. There have been no road trips or
adventures into untamed lands. My days are filled with work,
school, and the occasional date with the hot and flirtatious
Heather.
Normally I might have
given a shout-out to my peoples, but no deserves one this week. No
one but the Webmaster J that is; last night he pulled out a huge
win for me with a little Excel help. For that my friend you get
all the Kudus. Yes, his uber-nerd skills came into play and gained
much respect in the House of Matt.
So after thinking about
what to write this week I went back to the summer when I received
fan-mail. Which has stopped and ya’ll suck, but I digress… During
my search I ran across an email asking me how to attract women. So
I got to thinking, How do I do it? Then I pondered if I
should release my secrets to the WWW. Well I was
bored and came to the conclusion Yeah, Yeah I would:
If you are easily offended, female, or one
of the many women I’m currently seeing I recommend you not read
beyond this point, for my sake.
After many hard hours of
thought and reflection I have decided against posting the
Matt’s Rules for Christian Pimping.
Many factors went into this decision such as my female(s) would
probably stab me, and I think the seminar series would bring in
more bank. So instead of the
Christian Pimp Commandments I give you the
Tao of Steve. While these aren’t fool proof they do work.
1)
Lose All Desire: Chicks
can smell your real intention, and if you have nothing in mind
then you fly under her radar.
2)
Be Excellent in Her Presence:
As Napoleon would say, “Girls only want boyfriends who have great
skills.”
3)
Retreat: Yeah, guys if you
want to get the girl you’ve gotta run from her a little bit. Face
it most of us aren’t superstars; we’re average computer geeks (if
you’re not you wouldn’t be here right) that are trying to date
females out of are league. So if we show no interest in them then
they get all perplexed because they know they are “better” than
us. Then we got them hook line and sinker.
Also remember you’re never
too old to date a freshman. So now that I have officially
destroyed any hope of getting any “affection” for the rest of the
semester I hope you guys are happy. Remember this guy took it for
the team so you could date a Fire
Betty. That’s what we call sacrifice. Also I’ll be
starting my speaking engagements soon sign-up now they are going
quick.
Well for a change of pace
I’ve decided to ask the hot and flirtatious Heather to write my
sign off. Now I know this is a Yoko type move; so forgive me in
advance think of it like a special guest on a rap album. Also I’m
fresh out of thoughts so letting her take shots at us saves me and
you from the unnecessary. For the record if it sucks it’s not
mine, but I take full responsibility. So here goes:
If any of you feel so inclined as
to bike a long distance, say from Athens, GA to Jacksonville, FL,
start training more than a month in advance. When buying a bike,
take a vehicle that it will fit in so you don't have to ride it
for the first time since you were 8 on the side of a busy road
around rush hour. Also, invest in a pair of padded shorts…trust
me. If one person tells you you're crazy, dismiss it as jealousy;
if you hear it on a daily basis, accept and embrace it, at least
you can provide the entertainment. “You hear you're crazy twice a
day, about biking and about dating Matt"- the fabulous Josh W’s
(my minion) reaction.
Leaving with Love for my
Peeps,
- Captain Matt |
